17 Starfish And The Grades They Deserve

1. Common starfish

en.wikipedia.org

– A standard starfish. The starfish you think of when you think of starfishes.

– Would look good hot glued to a picture frame in your aunt’s bathroom.

– Kind of forgettable, the Ann Veal of starfish.

– GRADE: B

2. Necklace starfish

en.wikipedia.org

– A fancy, fun starfish. A starfish that shops at Chico’s.

– Textured and brightly colored, not unlike vomit after eating too much spicy salsa.

– Probably drives a Jeep Wrangler.

– GRADE: B+

3. Blue star

en.wikipedia.org

– Blue boy. So trendy.

– Would sell you loose cigarettes behind the 7-Eleven.

– Redefines starfish aesthetic while maintaining definite starfishiness.

-GRADE: A

4. Crown-of-thorns starfish

Jon Hanson / Via en.wikipedia.org

– A starfish that would make out with your boyfriend at prom.

– Beautiful, but so mean. Like an older sister.

– WHY CAN’T I JUST COME TO YOUR PARTY, LIZ?

– GRADE: B-

5. Biscuit star

en.wikipedia.org

– A starfish drawn from a child’s crayon.

– A trustworthy starfish, a starfish you’d lend $1,500 to.

– Just the right amount of whimsy; whimsically proficient.

-GRADE: A

6. Cushion star

en.wikipedia.org

– A bold refusal of starfish ideals.

– Absolutely challenges starfish critics; a starfish that will be studied in art schools for years to come.

– Looks a little like a spoiled tomato but still cool.

– GRADE: A-

7. Giant spined sea star

Flickr: edbierman

– THIS is what I’m talking about, baby!!!!!

– Respect to the starfish form with clear innovation. A starfish that GETS IT.

– Part alien, part terrestrial, all perfect. Will it massage your feet? Maybe!

-GRADE: A+

8. Red-knobbed starfish

en.wikipedia.org

– A sturdy starfish. Dependable, like a meatloaf.

– Not afraid to let her hair down on the weekends.

– But maybe…pandering? To the starfish lobbyists? Hard to say.

– GRADE: B+

9. Common sunstar

en.wikipedia.org

– A verifiable butt hole. A detached anus.

– No one ordered this, please send it back to the kitchen.

– I am itchy.

– Grade: C

10. Southern sand star

en.wikipedia.org

– Hahaha, why am I scared.

– A starfish you could buy at Hot Topic.

– Good chance this starfish is made of a witch’s finger bones and dark magic.

– Grade: C+

11. Nine-armed Sea Star

en.wikipedia.org

– Simultaneously doing too much and too little.

– The tribal tattoo of starfish.

– Definitely takes his dates to Applebee’s.

– GRADE: D+

12. Royal Sea Star

en.wikipedia.org

– Was this starfish famous on Nickelodeon in the ’90s? Maybe.

– A little try-hard. A little annoying. A little boring. A little ehh.

– Cool teeth though.

-GRADE: C-

13. Astropecten jonstoni

en.wikipedia.org

– Respectful of the starfish form, but doesn’t add anything to the narrative.

– I’m sorry I fell asleep.

– Zzzzzz.

– GRADE: F

14. Sunflower starfish

commons.wikimedia.org

– OH YOU POOR THING.

– What monster labratory did you crawl out of?

– *sound of villagers rioting at the front gate*

– GRADE: a sympathy B

15. Orange brisingid

en.wikipedia.org

– An interesting take on what it means to be a starfish.

– Could probably clean your toilet.

– A good amount of flair without venturing into kitsch. Anna Wintour imperceptibly turns her head towards this starfish when he enters a room.

– GRADE: A-

16. Leather star

en.wikipedia.org

– It’s a nice try.

– But it’s just not good enough in 2018.

– Pattern reminds me of open sores. And not in the good way.

– GRADE: D

17. Doughboy star

en.wikipedia.org

– YEP!!!

– The best starfish there ever was, is, or will be.

– Great name, even better attitude. A starfish we should all aspire to be.

– GRADE: A++++++

ALL GRADES ARE FINAL see you in summer school.

giphy.com / Via Disney-PIxar